I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
