so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
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What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
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All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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