Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
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He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
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I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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