he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
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i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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