oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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