it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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