We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
