The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
