My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
