Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
