I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
where are my pants?
in the oven.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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