i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
