She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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