Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
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