imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
