Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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