I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
