He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
