I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
