he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
