Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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