Define "chronic" masturbator.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
