No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
