my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
