The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
