I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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