textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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