I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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