This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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