so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
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Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
we're so committed to being not committed
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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