Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you traded sex for a burrito?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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