There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
