They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
