She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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