I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
My liver just had a heart attack.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
