I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
