I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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