remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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