I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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