When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
