I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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