My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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