She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
