i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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