the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
