So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
