if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
