I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
i think we sleep fucked last night...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
