I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
