Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
