Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
