I should be sponsored by Trojan
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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