when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
